is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
