I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
