I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
