last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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