after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
this is an emotional support booty call
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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