my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
