I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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