if you like me you must not know who I am
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
