Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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