Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My cat gives me a boner
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
