apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
