I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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