Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
