Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
