end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
