having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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