I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
they call him Oral-B. enough said
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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