we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
