Already got asked if we're dating
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
