Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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