Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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