I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
