I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
