Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
