I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
