I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
