my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
