I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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