Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
