I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
no you cant smoke seaweed
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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