I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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