it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
