there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
