Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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