Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
