Im at strip club and am horny
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
