I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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