On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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