Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
