If that was your dad, he is hot
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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