im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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