I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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