you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
