Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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