if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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