You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
