A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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