grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
