sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Who died my cat blue again?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
