My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
