dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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